September

It used to be that I would sit alone
for hours
The world locked outside my door
along with the sunlight and the dawn.
I drank in my loneliness like a wine
drowning in its bitter taste
drawing it into my lungs where it carried to every limb like oxygen.
I could feel sadness coursing through my veins like it was life
and I was glad
separate
and silent
and sad.
And I didn’t want friends until the day I met some
and I didn’t want happiness until the day I realized  had it
and I didn’t need to be around people until the day I was
Alone.
Again.
This time it’s not a choice
and I’m trying
How do you leave sadness when it’s all you’ve ever known
and how do you leave happiness once you’ve found it?
But somehow I always end up in the night
locked and alone
avoiding eye contact
because my hair is wrong one day
my outfit is wrong the next
and I go back
pulled into the darkness and silence
running on the edge of a shadow
trying not to get lost inside again
this time I may not be able to get me back out.
If I find her there again will she lead me false for leaving her?
Would she lead me out again?
Or pull me deeper and deeper
Until I return to the way I was.